Finally I'm 18, it took bloody ages to get too. Been an amazing 17 years, from being happy and up to being sad and down. And now, things are looking up and up, more than before.

Major change in the past year, and like I promised myself, I found real love before I turned 18, looks like I do keep my promises after all. (to myself..hahaha)

Anyways school is starting in 3 days or is it 4 days, gosh who cares anyways.. its bloody school yeah..
But then again I'm happy about the fact that it's gonna be like 5 and a half weeks and thats it. 9 weeks break, i'll be off to Holland again.. and this time, I'm gonna make everyday count..

It took me a week to recover from the shock of actually being there, and a week to enjoy, but I was back, see my point... no more shocks, all enjoyment from now on...

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Missing you

And i wrote

Made a big fuss trying to fix the PVC closet we bought(3 hours), to keep all the tonnes of clothes I bought in Holland. (yes tonnes).

I mean who wouldn't go shopping when there's a sale. Yeah the currency was doubled, so what! hahahah

I think my shopping addiction, is gonna hurt me bad some day, but until that day, I'm gonna shop till I drop.

Oh and yesterday, I bought a new cellphone, its awesome, touch screen display and a bloody huge display indeed.. need I say more?

I miss her so much right now, and its about 15 mins to my birthday, I wish I could see her, for just one minute, or maybe call her...
Don't really know what to do, 6 weeks and I'll be with her again, can't wait.

New found love, new cellphone, a new job, family is in one piece, small fights, but never expected dad, to be alive till the end of this year. So i guess this new year, is gonna be awesome.

Year 2007, here I come..


Still in love with you..

And i wrote

When everything finally looks like its going your way, it always seems to take a detour..

I face it almost everytime, just when you get what you want, before you know it, you cant hold it, you cant feel it, and worst of all, you cant see it.

It makes you wonder if you even had anything at all.

How do we comprehend such situations of life? Sit, wait and wonder?

We always walk the easy road, and come down to the street everyone tries to avoid. The fork in the road, left or right? You decide?

We cant make the decision, because we fear. My fear, was to lose someone, it always has been.

I would do anything to hold on to the ones I love.

For the first time in my life, I can feel my heart beat.. The pain I went through made me impervious to everything, I didnt care about anybody.. but now i did.

Right now it I cant even look at her, as I pace up and down the halls of the office, I cant even see her before I leave, or more like I cant spend time with her before I leave..


Its like we only met yesterday,
but i feel I've known you all my life,
I cant believe i found you,
I dont think I would ever understand,
how our paths have crossed,
neither would I know if we could ever be,
I think I love you, wait, I know I do,
How long will it take,
for me to find out,
why I have to leave this all about,
I promise ill come back to make things right,
as long as you want me by your side.
Now I say goodbye, a bid farewell,
I love you, and that I promise with my hand.


Im really gonna miss you,

Love Mark

And i wrote

And i wrote

Just got an update from my lil brother. He called, a bit of grief in his voice. Yet he held on to his faith. He told me everything was going to be ok.

I did cry, coz it hurt, alot. Why?

Coz it never ends. He's going to be admitted. It's easy to say everything is going to be alright, but can i believe myself?

Sometimes i dont know what to do..

He feels the pain now, i know he does. I know what people are thinking, especially those I care about.

Mum says she's ok, but i really hope she is. Although the tension builds up between us. I do care for her. I did walk out many times this week in anger. But I dont know what to do..
She controls me too much, she didnt expect me to be so outgoing maybe, im 17 mum, you have to understand that.

Somehow i'm worried about her more right now..

The news, they will take the finger, but theres a chance that he may not survive because of the infection. It has to be controlled, or else... i really cant say

They are even thinking about taking both hands, i made the decision, of take the finger and wait in faith, hopefully my faith will stand..


Mark

And i wrote

Today, don't even want to talk about it. She still hasn't spoken to me. Although I want too, i'm so disturbed about the fact that she doesnt believe me. I mean, yes, I do like her, alot. I do want to find out what she thinks of me. But going to read her personal stuff, really not me.

I was tired of pretending to be someone I wasn't, someone so obsessive and compulsive. She had that experience before. She told me. She said he was a guy who she got pissed off with because he was like all "over" her. I didnt wan't her to think I was the same. Fidah told me, how she would feel, if I did that to her.
At some point, I knew she was starting to dislike me, fidah's always right. It was too fast and I just didn't give her a break.

Sometimes, I hate myself for what I do to the people I care about...

Today, dad is going in for an operation. He's getting his finger amputated. Last night the skin fell off, I cried when I saw the pain he was in. Still I couldnt stop thinking about her.

He should be in the hospital by now. I guess now, it's all down to the big man up there. With the trauma of the last operations, I just hope he can pull through this one.

Gone through alot these past few days, and I just hope she can understand..

Whatever it is, I'm sorry if i hurt you..

Mark

And i wrote

She didnt trust me, thats the thing that pisses me off the most. I mean come on, yeah, i am inquisitive, I would like to know what she thinks about me..

I may over do things somethings, but I know my limits, I dont have to look at her blog, I mean Im a guy, if I wanted to know something I would ask her, Im not some wuss.

I really didnt expect her to doubt me like this. I apologised, promised her that I would be myself. I wanted a fresh start, and now something like this happens..

Just dont know what to do, when things go wrong, and we set it right, yet somehow, things would never be the same.

Sometimes, when someone loses trust in you, even when u see them as a friend, it hurts, alot.

For you to notice.

Mark

And i wrote

She gave me another shot, now i just have to be who I am, I'm sorry that I tried too hard..

Straight up, new addiction people! Yes, its fishing. I mean dear god, its awesome..haha.. we are so into it, i think we can get support for an IG, whose up for it?

Anyways, really was glad to bring HK along, he was funny, and awesome. I mean althought they tired to put a lizard down my pants and strip me naked! It was cool.


I shant mention his name (you know who you are), killed a freaking tree lizard, after which they tried too throw it on me, i mean its like they know I freaking dont like lizards, especially when they are 10 inches long and they are half dead..


Our pretty boy ben! lol, what can I say, i mean, he got sun burnt bad, and I mean bad. He didnt catch anything, but wth, I mean theres always next time man..haha.Chris, what can I say, catching a fish with your hands, i guess your some kind off merman! haha.. take it back.. =)


(sorry dude, i know that looks gay, but im clean, i like a girl..hahah)


anyways, now i shall show you pple my catch and the Fishermans Posey and lizard mascot..haha


Now these are real sun basked men!



And now for my catch..

I dont smoke, but we had nothing else to use as a comparison..hahahah

I hooked this guy by the eye, but it was my first
catch, worth the sun burns..

and finally the mascot..yay.. viewer discretion is advised..










yup, he died, ask me on msn, and ill tell you how..hahahha, im making it sound like some tv show.. to be continued...




Listening to : I'm still here, vertical horizon

And i wrote

And i wrote

True love does not exist, it's a whole load of gibberish some candy bar company produces to makes us feel, "someone" out there cares for you, no matter how you look, she would fall for you, if you had what she wanted...

Dear god people, venting my frustration I think not. More of nonsense that will end up on of my list off less relevant things to waste my life on, and not to mention my time, and the little patience I had left. Ok, I promise never to fall in love but I do, bloody often. I mean it comes to a point where u are sickened, and u really just don't give a shit anymore. She was worth it, 7 months, that's all it was, nothing much yeah?

All I wanted was to find out about her, and talk to her, as the months went by, I became more and more attracted to her. Why?

Yeah, she's drop dead gorgeous she's amazing in every way, that's normal, I mean, If I could fall in love like dozens of times, it's the same bloody isn't it.

She was my last, hope, but I guess I blew it. I mean having responsibilities which probably not many people could comprehend, and having the pressure, built up on me as if I was like 3000 freaking feet under the sea. And to add to that, dreaming of a girl, who I wanted to be with, but
I put it off at first, thinking she might be one of those, prom queens, with the "who are you?" attitude going on.

But she was 100% genuine, and I would never take back what I said to her, because I meant every damn word that I said.

All I wanted her to say was, i don't mind going out with you. I set up plans, like ages in advance, I had everything worked out. I didn't want to buy her with money, I wanted to show her, that, (its time I admit it) I had fallen completely in love with her.

You might read this, I know, but what can I say you blew me away. You literally threw me off my feet, with your smile, your ability to make someone feel like he's being heard. The ability too make people around you happy. I made you a rose, not just because, I tried to impress you, but to show you how complicated my feelings for you were, I lied when I said that I made mistake making it and made it look like a rose and a star. I did that because I wanted you to see, that I could do anything just to make you smile.

Anything to make you feel as if someone wanted to make you happy.

I respect her feelings not to have a relationship now, I believe in time too, but I can't bear to lose her, when I leave.

How long could I be overseas and ignore the fact that I thought about her, every second off everyday for the past 3 weeks.

I was lucky even to be introduced to her in the first place. But, then again, who am I to say.
So the question is. Is there a chance we can be something more? Will she give me a shot? I admit, I might not be the most looking of the lot, but i can promise her one thing.
That is my heart, the whole thing, no strings attached. All i wanted was for someone to tell me that they Loved me, someone special too me...

This briliant dance

Mark

And i wrote

Mark
30/12/88
Prison break fan


Jaslin
Fidah
sHoRtEeLi
link



October 2006
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